I
can be a positive person.. and for a bit I feel if you are reading this
you will think I am focusing on the negative. (or having a pity
party.. which maybe I am).. But I feel I need to work out all the
negative feelings and confusion I have to find that dim light of
positive so it can shine bright. The negatives are really my internal
wars. Fair not fair. Right, wrong. What is asking too much? What is
standing up for yourself? What things would I allow happen if I was
disabled if I wasn't?
One of the biggest internal wars for me that I am not sure I will ever get over is the death of my younger sister Betsy Ann. A little background of my sister and my relationship. Betsy Ann was a year younger than me. Blonde, great figure, outgoing, musical, and of course every guy wanted to date her. EVERY GUY! I was her shadow or it so felt. She always seemed so more mature than I. She didn't have to work on her looks or even outlook of life. Even as weird as this sounds, the teachers had a crush on her. She had great grades, starring role in the musical, and later a beautiful family, PTA president, strong in our church faith, and just seemed to have the world turning. I think she could actually talk more than me but it wasn't weird nervous talking like me. It was magnet talking. Everyone wanted to hear.
I am not sure what kind of relationship my sister and I had. There was a lot of emotions that came with it. Proud, upset, jealous, mother-daughter so to speak.. her being the mother, caregiver, nurturer.
Betsy Ann, as I said, dated everybody.. well everyone in my high school class and hers. In fact, she knew so many more people that I did that she was more wanted at my high school reunions than I. Well, I am sure they wanted me there too but it was no surprise of Betsy Ann showing up. I just wanted one thing that she couldn't do or have. I don't know why the jealousy consumed me. Maybe I felt it was a preview of my future life.. I really don't know. As much as I was upset with her for I guess the sake of being upset.. she was the one sister I always turned to. She had a way of fixing things with my children's father, a way of helping me understand when I was just so angry at everything.. even when it was her. She was also so forgiving. I could yell at her and call her up ten minutes later and tell her I needed her assistance and she be right there. She wasn't perfect. She would tell me my shortcomings all the time. She wouldn't let me off the hook for my faults or my misgivings. She would tell me off many times. Probably moreso than anyone in my family. I don't know if that made things better or worse but I think it made me respect her more.
Quite a few years ago, I had an experience that helped me understand Betsy Ann more and why she and I had the relationship we did. We still fought (or I fought and she was the mother telling me what needed to be done or fixed things) but deep down she understood my heart, my sadness, my strengths, my weakness. As I said, she came and took care of me when I had surgeries, even took me to have surgery at times. She helped me shower when needed and brought dinners when I was too sick to make any food. She even brought dinners just for the sake of because.
Betsy Ann got sick in October of 2010. It was around my birthday which was Oct 23. She had headaches and when she came to lunch for my birthday she had been throwing up and I thought she had the flu. My sister was already thin and she didn't look right. She looked thin and just sick. She went to the doctors for these headaches and found out she had two tumors in her brain. The doctors thought at first they looked benign from the MRI so she kept reassuring us it would be fine. The time came for her to have her surgery. I wondered who would all be there. I found out it was just going to be her husband and daughter. I never really knew what her husband thought of me because he saw how much internal jealousy I had of my sister and the different fighting we would do. I knew it was something (and maybe I am guessing) that it was something my brother in law probably wanted to share with his daughter solely or within himself but looking back now.. I needed to be there. It may of been selfish but I just needed to be there.
We waited for the doctors and by this time my brother in law's parents had shown up and were waiting with us. The doctor came out and I could just feel the heaviness in his heart. I could feel that lump in my throat and my eyes starting to burn as the tears were behind my eyes. He gave this explanation of the surgery. He said every word but cancer. Was I mistaking the heaviness.. was this just something that could be fixed but still not quite expected. I needed to hear the word "cancer" to have it wrapped around my brain of what he was saying. Finally I just blurted out.. "are you saying cancer?" There was just a second of silence.. as if we all needed to hear that word but no one dared to say it outloud or ask. He said "yes, cancer." As I write this, I still have that lump in my throat, and the heaviness in my chest and tears burning my eyes. Cancer. The next day I go to see her and she is being everyone else's cheering group or support. Saying it will be okay. The doctor comes in and they have the results of the kind of cancer. Glioblastoma. Non curable and fast growing cancer. Cancer. Terminal cancer. How can that be? I have had over 60 surgeries and told I was going die so many times and have bounced out of it and here my sister who has been the one who is the healthiest in the family all the sudden dying of brain cancer. Cancer. This has got to be a mistake. Why was I on this earth with all that was happening with me if my sister had to have cancer? This made no sense to me. I felt so out of control. and here she was smiling saying it was okay. That Heavenly Father had another chapter for her. For eight months my sister endured cancer. She had radiation, chemotherapy, she even had more tumors which they could not take out. She never complained. Not once that I heard. I saw a couple tears from her eyes but I think she was crying because I was in so much emotional pain.
During this course of eight months, I had to have surgery. The night before the surgery I cried and prayed so hard. I said "God, please take me tomorrow on that operating table for I was suppose to go along time ago and save my sister. She is needed way more than I am. She has a husband that loves her more than any great love story, five children who are close to her, more friends than can be counted. Save her and take me. The morning of my surgery, as I was waiting for them to come and get me in my hospital room, I was still saying a prayer "please take me and save her. have her next mri show cancer free. please God..I beg of thee." I kept saying that over and over. The nurse person comes to get me and starts wheeling me down to surgery. The anesthesia doctor starts getting me ready to be put to sleep and I think of my children, my husband. I say "wait. stop! not yet." I think " I can't leave my kids I cant leave them. What do I do? Do I not love my sister enough to take her place? Is this even how it works? Wait? Do I have a place here? Am I loved? Is there more I am suppose to be learning? Is God wanting my sister? Wait! What do I do? (as if it was really into my hands). I say a quick prayer... more like a chant. "God, I can't do it. Please don't take me. I don't want her to die, but please don't take me. "
I wake up from surgery almost surprised to still be alive. My first thought "how selfish am I that I wasn't willing to die for my sister" It made me question who I was. Does that mean I don't know love? Does that mean I wouldn't die for my husband, my kids if needed? I would like to think I would. But I changed my mind at the last minute about my sister. What was wrong with me? She had more need here on this earth.
I had the hardest time facing her after this and was actually grateful that I wasn't able to get out much because I was recuperating. I had so much guilt. So much heartache. So much shame and question of who I was and capable of. Did I even know what love was? After all she did for me, I owed it to her to take her place and I chickened out. I am worthless. We all are suppose to become Christlike and have Christlike qualities and Christ died on the cross for us.. but I didn't have the courage to take my sister's place.
I know it probably doesn't work that way but just the thought if it did.. and I failed. She had never murmured, never complained about what was happening to her (as I complain all the time about my ailments) Months before, when she was more coherent I asked her.. Betsy, if you have any way to come see me, please promise me you will.. and when my time to die comes, please come and get me so I will not be afraid. She smiled and said she would. I even told her that I thought of a positive about her dying.. That she no longer could invade my high school reunions and I could have it for myself. She smiled and even giggled a little. I saw my sister the night or two before she died. She looked so frail but then so strong.. but it was her spirit that was strong.. her soul still shined. I leaned over to her and took her hand. I whispered in her ear. I am sorry I didn't take your place. I am sorry I failed you. I do love you in spite that I could not do this. Please keep your promise to come to me still. I felt her hand squeeze mine. Maybe I wanted to feel it but I felt it. As if she understood my broken heart.
Her death was sad and beautiful all at once.She had so many people there that loved her, respected her and paid tribute to her and her life. Her example. President Holland spoke and said "tears are the price we pay for loving." I thought .." I have had so many tears.. I must have love."
I don't know if I should say this next thought for I don't want anyone to be upset with my father for he is a good man. My father has done so much for me.. more than I probably deserve.. We all grieve in our own way. As I stated, I should of died many times. In fact, if I died.. it would not be shock. Of course people would be sad (well at least I would hope) my ex happy. It would not be a surprise. I think in some ways it would be relief for I have been a burden, I am not saying an unwanted burden, but I think it has been hard on my family to see me suffer so much physically and emotionally. A few days after my sister's death, my father was down helping me as he does many times during the week. We were talking about Betsy and I said I had so much guilt and I didn't know how to get over it. He said "I know you do.. you put so much pressure on her to help you and put so much emotional pressure to help you with your ex and daughter that it probably stressed her out to the point of cancer." That was the furthest reason on my mind. Was my father saying I was responsible for my sister's death? Is that how he really felt deep inside. My father always talked about how he felt stress killed my grandma. She died of stomach/pancreatic cancer. It started with an ulcer and he swears she died because of this ulcer turning into cancer. Was he saying it was the same way for my sister? I said "no, that isn't why. I said because I took away my prayer to have it be me." I couldn't even fully explain my prayer. Instead of just crying, I seem to go into this monster anger rage when really it is my heart just crying. I shouted out.. "it should of been me! You wanted it to be me!" He said, "I don't want any of my children to die but it would of been easier (or something like that) if it had been you." (again, please don't think harshly of my father.. he sometimes doesn't say what is truly in his heart the right way.. he is a really good man and I am eternally indebted and grateful for him). My heart broke as if it couldn't break anymore right then. It should of been me. My sweet niece, Betsy's daughter helped me understand my father.. saying.. it wouldn't of been easier if it had been me. When someone is as sick as I am, they don't like watching me suffer is maybe what he meant.. but she said it shouldn't of been me.
My sister's death changed me. To watch her serve her family, her friends, and then in time of her health and need.. to see them serve her and love her so much to want the complete best for her. I watched her husband change his schedule for her, take her to the doctors, get her dressed, change her when needed, wake up every 2 hours to roll her so she wouldn't get sores..to make sure she was living as best as she possibly could while she was still here... and he never said no, why me, never complained. He knew she would do this for him if the roles had been reversed. A love stronger than any greatest love story. It made me wonder what I would do for love. What kind of love do I deserve? Especially in my time of need? I think my hopes and expectations increased. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad...this is an internal war and...should it have been me?
I miss you Betsy Ann and I love you.
One of the biggest internal wars for me that I am not sure I will ever get over is the death of my younger sister Betsy Ann. A little background of my sister and my relationship. Betsy Ann was a year younger than me. Blonde, great figure, outgoing, musical, and of course every guy wanted to date her. EVERY GUY! I was her shadow or it so felt. She always seemed so more mature than I. She didn't have to work on her looks or even outlook of life. Even as weird as this sounds, the teachers had a crush on her. She had great grades, starring role in the musical, and later a beautiful family, PTA president, strong in our church faith, and just seemed to have the world turning. I think she could actually talk more than me but it wasn't weird nervous talking like me. It was magnet talking. Everyone wanted to hear.
I am not sure what kind of relationship my sister and I had. There was a lot of emotions that came with it. Proud, upset, jealous, mother-daughter so to speak.. her being the mother, caregiver, nurturer.
Betsy Ann, as I said, dated everybody.. well everyone in my high school class and hers. In fact, she knew so many more people that I did that she was more wanted at my high school reunions than I. Well, I am sure they wanted me there too but it was no surprise of Betsy Ann showing up. I just wanted one thing that she couldn't do or have. I don't know why the jealousy consumed me. Maybe I felt it was a preview of my future life.. I really don't know. As much as I was upset with her for I guess the sake of being upset.. she was the one sister I always turned to. She had a way of fixing things with my children's father, a way of helping me understand when I was just so angry at everything.. even when it was her. She was also so forgiving. I could yell at her and call her up ten minutes later and tell her I needed her assistance and she be right there. She wasn't perfect. She would tell me my shortcomings all the time. She wouldn't let me off the hook for my faults or my misgivings. She would tell me off many times. Probably moreso than anyone in my family. I don't know if that made things better or worse but I think it made me respect her more.
Quite a few years ago, I had an experience that helped me understand Betsy Ann more and why she and I had the relationship we did. We still fought (or I fought and she was the mother telling me what needed to be done or fixed things) but deep down she understood my heart, my sadness, my strengths, my weakness. As I said, she came and took care of me when I had surgeries, even took me to have surgery at times. She helped me shower when needed and brought dinners when I was too sick to make any food. She even brought dinners just for the sake of because.
Betsy Ann got sick in October of 2010. It was around my birthday which was Oct 23. She had headaches and when she came to lunch for my birthday she had been throwing up and I thought she had the flu. My sister was already thin and she didn't look right. She looked thin and just sick. She went to the doctors for these headaches and found out she had two tumors in her brain. The doctors thought at first they looked benign from the MRI so she kept reassuring us it would be fine. The time came for her to have her surgery. I wondered who would all be there. I found out it was just going to be her husband and daughter. I never really knew what her husband thought of me because he saw how much internal jealousy I had of my sister and the different fighting we would do. I knew it was something (and maybe I am guessing) that it was something my brother in law probably wanted to share with his daughter solely or within himself but looking back now.. I needed to be there. It may of been selfish but I just needed to be there.
We waited for the doctors and by this time my brother in law's parents had shown up and were waiting with us. The doctor came out and I could just feel the heaviness in his heart. I could feel that lump in my throat and my eyes starting to burn as the tears were behind my eyes. He gave this explanation of the surgery. He said every word but cancer. Was I mistaking the heaviness.. was this just something that could be fixed but still not quite expected. I needed to hear the word "cancer" to have it wrapped around my brain of what he was saying. Finally I just blurted out.. "are you saying cancer?" There was just a second of silence.. as if we all needed to hear that word but no one dared to say it outloud or ask. He said "yes, cancer." As I write this, I still have that lump in my throat, and the heaviness in my chest and tears burning my eyes. Cancer. The next day I go to see her and she is being everyone else's cheering group or support. Saying it will be okay. The doctor comes in and they have the results of the kind of cancer. Glioblastoma. Non curable and fast growing cancer. Cancer. Terminal cancer. How can that be? I have had over 60 surgeries and told I was going die so many times and have bounced out of it and here my sister who has been the one who is the healthiest in the family all the sudden dying of brain cancer. Cancer. This has got to be a mistake. Why was I on this earth with all that was happening with me if my sister had to have cancer? This made no sense to me. I felt so out of control. and here she was smiling saying it was okay. That Heavenly Father had another chapter for her. For eight months my sister endured cancer. She had radiation, chemotherapy, she even had more tumors which they could not take out. She never complained. Not once that I heard. I saw a couple tears from her eyes but I think she was crying because I was in so much emotional pain.
During this course of eight months, I had to have surgery. The night before the surgery I cried and prayed so hard. I said "God, please take me tomorrow on that operating table for I was suppose to go along time ago and save my sister. She is needed way more than I am. She has a husband that loves her more than any great love story, five children who are close to her, more friends than can be counted. Save her and take me. The morning of my surgery, as I was waiting for them to come and get me in my hospital room, I was still saying a prayer "please take me and save her. have her next mri show cancer free. please God..I beg of thee." I kept saying that over and over. The nurse person comes to get me and starts wheeling me down to surgery. The anesthesia doctor starts getting me ready to be put to sleep and I think of my children, my husband. I say "wait. stop! not yet." I think " I can't leave my kids I cant leave them. What do I do? Do I not love my sister enough to take her place? Is this even how it works? Wait? Do I have a place here? Am I loved? Is there more I am suppose to be learning? Is God wanting my sister? Wait! What do I do? (as if it was really into my hands). I say a quick prayer... more like a chant. "God, I can't do it. Please don't take me. I don't want her to die, but please don't take me. "
I wake up from surgery almost surprised to still be alive. My first thought "how selfish am I that I wasn't willing to die for my sister" It made me question who I was. Does that mean I don't know love? Does that mean I wouldn't die for my husband, my kids if needed? I would like to think I would. But I changed my mind at the last minute about my sister. What was wrong with me? She had more need here on this earth.
I had the hardest time facing her after this and was actually grateful that I wasn't able to get out much because I was recuperating. I had so much guilt. So much heartache. So much shame and question of who I was and capable of. Did I even know what love was? After all she did for me, I owed it to her to take her place and I chickened out. I am worthless. We all are suppose to become Christlike and have Christlike qualities and Christ died on the cross for us.. but I didn't have the courage to take my sister's place.
I know it probably doesn't work that way but just the thought if it did.. and I failed. She had never murmured, never complained about what was happening to her (as I complain all the time about my ailments) Months before, when she was more coherent I asked her.. Betsy, if you have any way to come see me, please promise me you will.. and when my time to die comes, please come and get me so I will not be afraid. She smiled and said she would. I even told her that I thought of a positive about her dying.. That she no longer could invade my high school reunions and I could have it for myself. She smiled and even giggled a little. I saw my sister the night or two before she died. She looked so frail but then so strong.. but it was her spirit that was strong.. her soul still shined. I leaned over to her and took her hand. I whispered in her ear. I am sorry I didn't take your place. I am sorry I failed you. I do love you in spite that I could not do this. Please keep your promise to come to me still. I felt her hand squeeze mine. Maybe I wanted to feel it but I felt it. As if she understood my broken heart.
Her death was sad and beautiful all at once.She had so many people there that loved her, respected her and paid tribute to her and her life. Her example. President Holland spoke and said "tears are the price we pay for loving." I thought .." I have had so many tears.. I must have love."
I don't know if I should say this next thought for I don't want anyone to be upset with my father for he is a good man. My father has done so much for me.. more than I probably deserve.. We all grieve in our own way. As I stated, I should of died many times. In fact, if I died.. it would not be shock. Of course people would be sad (well at least I would hope) my ex happy. It would not be a surprise. I think in some ways it would be relief for I have been a burden, I am not saying an unwanted burden, but I think it has been hard on my family to see me suffer so much physically and emotionally. A few days after my sister's death, my father was down helping me as he does many times during the week. We were talking about Betsy and I said I had so much guilt and I didn't know how to get over it. He said "I know you do.. you put so much pressure on her to help you and put so much emotional pressure to help you with your ex and daughter that it probably stressed her out to the point of cancer." That was the furthest reason on my mind. Was my father saying I was responsible for my sister's death? Is that how he really felt deep inside. My father always talked about how he felt stress killed my grandma. She died of stomach/pancreatic cancer. It started with an ulcer and he swears she died because of this ulcer turning into cancer. Was he saying it was the same way for my sister? I said "no, that isn't why. I said because I took away my prayer to have it be me." I couldn't even fully explain my prayer. Instead of just crying, I seem to go into this monster anger rage when really it is my heart just crying. I shouted out.. "it should of been me! You wanted it to be me!" He said, "I don't want any of my children to die but it would of been easier (or something like that) if it had been you." (again, please don't think harshly of my father.. he sometimes doesn't say what is truly in his heart the right way.. he is a really good man and I am eternally indebted and grateful for him). My heart broke as if it couldn't break anymore right then. It should of been me. My sweet niece, Betsy's daughter helped me understand my father.. saying.. it wouldn't of been easier if it had been me. When someone is as sick as I am, they don't like watching me suffer is maybe what he meant.. but she said it shouldn't of been me.
My sister's death changed me. To watch her serve her family, her friends, and then in time of her health and need.. to see them serve her and love her so much to want the complete best for her. I watched her husband change his schedule for her, take her to the doctors, get her dressed, change her when needed, wake up every 2 hours to roll her so she wouldn't get sores..to make sure she was living as best as she possibly could while she was still here... and he never said no, why me, never complained. He knew she would do this for him if the roles had been reversed. A love stronger than any greatest love story. It made me wonder what I would do for love. What kind of love do I deserve? Especially in my time of need? I think my hopes and expectations increased. I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad...this is an internal war and...should it have been me?
I miss you Betsy Ann and I love you.
Betsy Ann Christensem Mar 1968-June 2011
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