Finding Me Jan 2, 2013 Log 3

just talked about my sister's death and how it affected me.  It seemed to talk about another death especially since it is his birthday.  After I got divorced, I was pretty lonely on the times when my children were at their dad's.  I had such low self esteem and confusion.  I needed someone to talk to but I didn't really want to get too involved.. (that doesn't really make sense.)  I did the internet c hat thing.  I found myself in a particular room.  They were laughing and talking about their divorces and even making humor from it.  I felt like it was what I needed.  To not get too involved but to be able to also add a tidbit here and there.  Each time my children were gone, I would go to the computer.. hear the dialing and that ringing (the old dialup version of AOL).  I felt such relief as I was signing on.  We all put a picture on there to put a name with a face.  For not wanting to get involved, I found myself really looking forward to talking to these people and having a chance to understand with them as well as they with me.

After months and months of us all "getting to know each other"..we all decided it was time to meet.  All of us.  A lady in Kentucky decided to host the event and hopefully everyone could show up.  I worked for the airlines so I really didn't have any problem getting there.  I didn't seem afraid to meet these strangers for they didn't really seem like strangers anymore.  Looking back, I think, wow I must have been crazy.

The party was going to be a three day event.  Friday-Sunday with people sleeping in tents and everyone contributing to the food and drinks.  I didn't feel comfortable sleeping there or even attending that long, still convincing myself I didn't and wasn't getting too involved.  I was just checking it out.  So I get to this party still remembering what I was wearing.  Jeans, a lacey shirt, and these cute sandals that I no longer have that I wish I could find a replica of.

I was the only one in a wheelchair there and at that time I could push a portable chair pretty well.  I had told everyone I was in a wheelchair but still felt quite nervous about them seeing me and not just the face.. for I really didn't have too many whole body pictures.  I have never been physically comfortable in a portable chair.  I don't know if they just don't fit right but I always end up really aching after a half hour.  So I try to get to another chair pretty quickly if I am going to be staying for a while.

I went and sat on a lawn chair.  The party had been going on since Friday and it was Saturday so most people were pretty tipsy or gotten to know each other pretty well at this point.  This man came up to me.  He told me his name... AJ.  I recognized it from the chat room but hadn't really taken notice in the room.  He was more the silent observer type and didn't talk much about his marriage or divorce.  He was very handsome, Italian, 6'2 and dressed very nice.  He was from New York.  I am not sure why he singled me out.  He kept bringing me food.  I didn't really want to eat but not tell him why I didn't want to eat so he would take my plate back and put other food sorts on it.  I think he figured out I wasn't going to eat so he sat at the end of the lawn chair with me.

At this point I started getting quite the looks could kill stare down from all the other women.  Especially the women who had flirted with him in the chat room and had come strictly to get to know him better in hopes of a match.  He stayed on my lawn chair the whole rest of the time I was there.  He asked me quite a few questions and found it strange that I was the only one not drinking.  He tried to convince me to stay longer.. and I said no.  (tenting it was too hard with my disability and I was in hopes that I was smart enough to not allow myself to be that daring with people I really didn't know.)

The women started coming over asking me very personal ,embarrassing questions as AJ was sitting there.  I felt as if they were trying to put me on the spot and show AJ that they would be much easier to be with as far as a companion, girlfriend, or whatever it may be.  AJ paid no attention to them and asked them to stop.  He literally said "  I am going to marry this lady so do not treat her like that."  I was shocked.  What was he saying?  He had to be joking for I didn't even know his last name.  They walked away, still giving their dagger glances and I thanked AJ for making up a funny excuse for them to leave.  He said "I didn't make anything up.. I am going to marry you."   I got nervous and said..."I am not marrying again."  He stated.. "We'll see."

It started to get dim and colder outside and thought. it was a good time to go back home.  I got back in my wheelchair (at that time I could do it myself and took pride of my independence and did not want to be helped.. especially from strangers.)  So I got back in my wheelchair and said my thank you's and good byes.  AJ came up to me and said.. "I need your number so I can call you and get to know you since I am going to marry you.. you have already ruined it for me for anyone else."  I told him no.  I left, got back to my hotel room and still felt the excitement that this handsome man had spent the whole time with me at the party.  Was I playing hard to get?   I didn't think so.  I think I didn't think I was good enough for him.   Pretty enough (whole body) for there was so many ladies there that had come  just for him. I wondered if I just wasn't ready to be hurt again by another man.  Did I feel an attraction?  Most definitely.  Did I want to see him again?  I did.  I still had the phone number of the residence where the party took place.  I called the number and asked for AJ.  Aj came to the phone and I said "this is Becky from the party."  He said, I know, I would never forget that voice that came with those blue eyes."  I told him I wanted to thank him for staying by my side the whole time and also bringing me the foods they had there.  Still not giving up on the  marriage thing , he said "Of course, I would do anything for my future wife."  Now I wondered really if I was crazy, he was crazy, if he was joking.. what was going on?

I arrived back in Utah and this time even more excited to go back into the chat room.  AJ was in the room and private messaged that he had been waiting all day for me to arrive.  I had also gotten a lot of other private messages from the women who I had thought I had "bonded" with over our divorces, heartaches, that I was no longer wanted in that room and better for all of us if I leave.  Instead of saying I was an inspiration, an example, I was now a cripple who was trying to get attention and sympathy for my disability in order to get men.    I was hurt and confused.  I have never tried to use  my handicap in that way and didn't understand what was going on.

The messages were no longer in private messages and these women and even some men were now just stating their hatred for me out loud in the room.  AJ stuck up for me in the room and why I didn't leave the room, I don't know.  I guess I wanted to prove and convince them that I didn't try to use my handicap to my advantage.  That I was the same girl before the party that they all admired as I was now.  For some strange reason and maybe it is sick .. I don't know but I felt such like a loser and nobody that to be admired really filled my self esteem bucket.. even if it was not real.    AJ wanted to leave the room and not go back in and wanted me to do the same.  I was determined to win these people over again so I said no and stayed.  The more these chatters were being mean, the more and more AJ and I private messaged and bonded.   He asked for my number one more time and I finally gave in.  This man had shown his loyalty, kindness, and even love to me.

Now comes the real love story:

AJ said he had some time off of work and wanted me to come to New York.  He was a fireman, captain.  He offered to even fly me there and get my hotel. I told him I worked for the airlines and was able to fly standby.  I didn't want to owe him anything and wasn't still 100 % percent of his intentions.  He picked me up at the airport.  We dropped off my things and he took me to his home.  The most beautiful home I had seen at that time.  And it was wheelchair accessible.  How could that be?  He wasn't in a wheelchair.  I asked "Is someone in your home in a wheelchair?"  He said no.  He said when he found this home that he wasn't looking for an accessible home.  It was one of those homes that was wide enough to be accessible but not so accessible that it would be awkward for able body people to live in and feel comfortable.  It was beautiful.  Windows everywhere,  His back yard was this animal sanctuary or something like that so there was so much wildlife to just admire.  I felt so at home and  completely at peace.  We talked for hours about his marriage, his divorce, kids, and the same with my marriage, divorce, kids.  His daughter came in the house and instantly hugged me and said "You are beautiful."  I felt a lot of pain that I had of my marriage, step aside and my heart opening up to a new life.  My cup had truly runneth over.

When you are a fireman, if there is a party.. EVERYONE goes.  They are one big happy family.  AJ was so excited to take me to one of the bbq parties.  He was so excited to introduce me that it made me feel so (I can't even think of the words as I write this..) but I felt it and it was wonderful.  I was welcomed right in and already being called AJ's girlfriend by these firemen.  I kept thinking.. maybe everything I went thru with my marriage was worth it if it brought me to this kind of happiness I feel today.

Time went by so quickly on each visit.  I not only went to New York but he came to Utah.  We no longer talked of our pasts but just what the present was going to bring.  After a couple months, I was in New York at his home.  He had two older children that I had not yet met.  He felt it was time for me to meet them.  His son came to his home for what I understood the two older wanted to be with their mom more.  (They were not his biological children.. just the youngest..he had adopted the two older at an older age.)  It was a tad awkward and it wasn't the warmest greeting as I had encountered with his youngest daughter.  But it wasn't horrible either.  His ex wife came to get the son and AJ introduced me to her.  He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend.. just as "this is Becky.  She is visiting from Utah."  I didn't really think too much of that at the time.

It was my birthday weekend and AJ had asked me to come to New York.  He said to me "I am being serious.. if I asked you to marry me would you really turn me down?"  Everything had gone so well and I felt no reason to say no.  Everything had been falling into place.  We even had discussed how we would do the commuting with our children.  I told him I would not turn him down when the time came for him to ask me.  He took me ring shopping.  He said "pick out any ring you want.. any ring."  I kept trying to check for prices and he wouldn't let me.  Just said pick out the ring you want.  I picked this beautiful eternity band.  I have never been high maintenance when it came to jewelry for I would much rather use the money for trips, vacations, memories I could take forever.  He told the jeweler that was the ring he wanted and he wanted it engraved so we left with the ring there.

Two days later it was my birthday.  He took me to lunch.  He looked down and not facing me and said "I wanted your birthday to be special and went to get the ring but they didn't have it sized or engraved.. it wasn't ready."  I said "that's okay."  He said "no it isn't.  I think it is a sign that maybe it just isn't the right time."  At this point I was so excited for him to ask I didn't know what to think.  I had reconciled that I was going to be commuting back and forth between my children and he and had already pictured some of my things in his home.  I had pictured us growing old together and enjoying our grandchildren.  I had pictured and daydreamed my whole life with this man.  This man who loved me so much and had accepted my disability and all the challenges that came with it.  I didn't know what to think.  I blurted.."that's okay".  I couldn't even look him in the face when I said it.  I just kept looking down.  He said "Becky, look at me."  I looked up and there he was leaning over me with the ring I had picked out.  I hadn't even notice him getting down on his knee or pulling out the ring.  He then proposed to me and I had said yes.  He apologized for giving me "white lie" but he had wanted to surprise me but didn't know how else but to say the white lie.

We went back to his house, me wearing his ring, for it was almost time for his daughter to get home from school.   He picked me up out of my chair and sat me on the bar stool.  The one that went in a circle.  He turned on the tv to the radio station.. a country station and the song by Alan Jackson started with "Remember When".  He took me into his arms and danced with me the best way he knew how.  We rocked back and forth and didn't say a word.  He held me tight, my hand tight.  My heart leaned into his and it literally was like we were one heart.  I literally felt a love that I had never experienced before.  The song got over, he leaned and kissed me and said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  That he knew he had to buy this home that was accessible but didn't know why.. and now he knew.  I never knew it could be like this.  We could hear his daughter starting to open the door and I was so excited.. She and I had grown so close by this time and I was so excited to tell her the news.  I asked him if he wanted to say it or me.  He said "I don't want to tell her right now."  That was the first time my confusion set in with him.  I guess my first red flag that I refused to see at the time as a red flag.  He had given me some reason that he wanted to make sure she would be okay with it first instead of blurting it out and that seemed to make sense to me. The rest of the evening, his daughter didn't seem to notice the ring on my finger, and we didn't say a word.  He just kept looking at me, smiling, and winking.  I guess his way of assuring me it was okay.

The next day it was time for me to go back to Utah.  It was my weekend with the children and I was excited to see them and tell them the good news.  It was also time for his daughter to have a weekend with her mom.  I was in the guest room packing my things when I heard his ex wife come in.  They were discussing his daughter and events of that week and the plans for the following week so I didn't want to go out and disturb there conversation.  His ex wife then said.."is she still here?"  He had said "yes".  His ex wife then stated.. "if she is just a young girl trying to get away from Utah, why does she keep feeling like she has to stay here?  Sounds like she wants more than a friendship with you."  He said to her.."it isn't like that.. she doesn't want more from me.  We are just friends and I am trying to help her with her with her life in Utah.  Give her a break.. she is in a wheelchair afterall."  All of the sudden, I literally felt my ears burning. My heart pounding, too shocked for tears.  Did I hear him right?  The man who had been so perfect up to this point?  The man who had told me he was going to marry me within first day of meeting?  The man I had told no to so many times?  I didn't know what to do but wanted wanted to get out of there even faster.  His ex wife left along with their daughter and he came into the guest room I was in.  I guess the tears had started by then and I was just throwing things into my suitcase.  He had realized I had heard him.  He grabbed me and said "you heard the conversation."  I stared at him with a look I had never given him. A look of betrayal and hurt that I hadn't shown since my marriage.  He started to cry.  He said.. I can't explain but it isn't what you think.  I had to say those things to protect you."  How was that protecting me?  Was he embarrassed of me.. A handicapped woman?  Up until now he had acted so proud.  I didn't understand.  I just had to get out of there.  I couldn't breathe.  There was nothing more he could say to take the pain away.  All I could stammer was "take me to the airport."  We didn't say a word or even hold hands as we usually did driving to the airport.  I stared into the window.  I didn't even want to show him my tears.

When I get hurt, I get very independent.  An attitude of don't help me, don't touch me, I can do it.  Even struggling hard.. don't touch me.  I don't know if it is a wall.  I wouldn't let him help me into the wheelchair or carry my bag in to the airport.  I was going to do it myself.  Push myself and carry my bag at the same time.  It was a side he had never seen before.  I side I never thought I would have to experience again.  I usually called him when I got home to tell him I made it home fine.  I got home, I didn't call.  He tried to call several times but I didn't answer.  The words of what he said to his wife just kept running thru my head.  He begged for a chance to explain.  I finally gave him a chance and he said he couldn't tell me why he said it.  Salt poured in the wound.

I didn't go online much, knew he would checking for me.. and didn't answer his calls too much either.  I still had his ring and still hadn't taken it off my finger.  I guess that was me hoping there was a glimmer of hope that this would all make sense and work out.  I had thoughts "you are better than this.. why are you holding on hope?  He did you wrong.  He said horrible things.  Why would you want it to work out?"  I then wondered.. should I have just been grateful at all that a man sorta looked past my disability.. and made me feel like the most incredible person in the world.  Something I had never felt before.  Because he was willing to take the side effects of my handicap and the baggage of my ex do I lower my expectations and just take him back?  Would I have taken him back if I hadn't been disabled?  Would he have said this to his ex wife if I wasn't disabled?  The internal war began of this situation  and  my disability  in my heart.

I honestly don't remember how we started talking again.  I know he never told me why and I accepted it and took him back.  I can't remember why and when.  I know it was before Christmas for I had gone out there for the Christmas holiday.  I do know that I had become a lot my insecure with my disability and with who I was.. I do know things never seemed the same.  That laughter, the shining looks in our eyes.  There was always this cloud afterwards.  So many words unspoken.  But I didn't want someone to give up on me because of my weaknesses so I told myself not to give up on him.  I guess it was also because he had seen me in my weaknesses.. meaning, the side effects of my disability.  Helping get cleaned up, lifting me, carrying me.. all the things I didn't share with just anyone.. things that made me feel vulnerable.  I wasn't sure I wanted to start that again.. and to try to fix this situation.


As I said, it was the Christmas holiday.  We had celebrated ours a couple days before the actual 25th both needing to be with our children and wouldn't be together for the actual Christmas day.  I remember he got me some beautiful shoes because I had such a hard time find shoes with my always so swollen feet.  He also got me two purses.  An everyday brown accordion purse and a red dress up purse.  I had gotten him a camera.. I am sure there were other things.. but those are what stand out in my mind.  After we opened gifts.. we were on his couch.  He looked at me and cried.  Didn't say at first why.  But cried.  He put his head in my lap, literally got in the fetal position and cried.  He just kept apologizing over and over about what had taken place with the conversation with his ex.  I don't really remember saying what he said to his ex was okay.  I don't really even remember trying to say anything but stroking his hair and letting him cry.  He then talked about his mistakes in life.  He had told me that there were two other children that he hadn't spoken of nor had I met. Two children from a previous marriage.  That he had walked away from them and started a new life with his now ex and she had encouraged him to adopt her two children, have the third together and to let the others fade away.  He stated how he was so enamored and how he thought he could just walk away from them and not look back and how it had eaten away at his soul all these years.  How he didn't know how to forget, to ask their forgiveness, and if he deserved their forgiveness.  How he did things without thinking about the consequences.. just like he had done with me.. and expecting it will all turn out but it wasn't.  He said how he didn't even know how to find these two girls and again if he should.  I realized he was as broken and hurt as I was from our past and maybe we did belong together.  I promised to help him thru this and to never leave his side.  He then said.. there is more but I can't tell you because you will leave me and I just don't have the courage to tell you.  I went home and did my own soul searching.. wonder if I had told him about all my internal wars and my pain, my mistakes.  Wondered if I had secrets.. Not on purpose secrets but secrets of my disability or my emotional feelings that I just didn't dare to express or acknowledge.

AJ never seemed to be the same person after this trip.  He never had joy in his voice.  Never had light in his eyes.  I didn't want to think about how he hurt me but just make it better for him.  I would work on my hurt later.  AJ didn't talk much more about the two daughters he had abandoned and I didn't really bring it up, not wanting to remind him of the hurt.  He asked if I still wanted to get married.  I said yes.  This seemed to help his sadness so I really focused on working on wedding plans.  We talked about all sorts of plans for the wedding but the date.  He wouldn't discuss the date.  Nor did he want to tell his family yet of us getting married.  He told his firemen friends but wouldn't tell his actual family.  I was confused. I was wearing his ring, telling people I was engaged.  I even told my children and ex husband of my plans and plans to move to New York and commute back and forth with working for the airlines. It was all plausible. People would ask when..and I didn't have a date.. not even a time frame.   I was home, he was in New York and I finally confronted him on the phone.."we have everything planned but the date.  What date do you want to be married? "   There was silence.  It was the longest silence.  I had to ask him if he was still even on the line.  All he could answer is yes.. He was still there.  I asked "when do you want to get married?"  He said.. "I can't set a date.  I am sorry."  I was once again confused.  "Why?" I asked.  He said " I can't tell you."  I again asked what was going on. He then said, "I don't know if I can marry you."  I was so confused because he was the one who asked.  The one who lit up with excitement when we talked about the plans, and the who talked about our future..even the day before he was saying this on the phone, was he acting excited.  I asked again why.  He said "I can't tell you."  My immediate thought was, he is embarrassed of me. He can't deal with my disability.  I got sick in front of him too many times.  I was too ugly.  (He still had so many women hitting on him).  He didn't love me?  I couldn't think of what it could possibly be.  What did I do wrong now?  Here I took him back when he said he wanted to be taken back and now he didn't want to marry me and he won't give me a reason.  I was literally feeling like I was going crazy in just those few moments.  I yelled out.. "you are embarrassed of me!"  He said it wasn't that.  I said if you give me another reason I will believe you, but if you won't, then I know it is because you are embarrassed of me.  ( I had also come to this conclusion because he wouldn't tell his family about me, the engagement, or take me to family things..his friends/work things but not family but wouldn't give me a reason why.) He said "I can't give you a reason."  I started to sob.  I didn't say a word.  I just cried on the phone with him listening.  He was crying to and saying "I wish I could tell you.."   I couldn't say anything but cry.  If he didn't want to marry me, okay, but to lie about it?  To not give me a reason?  I didn't say goodbye.  I didn't slam the phone.  I just quietly hung up and laid on my bed and cried.

The next day I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror.  I was suppose to go on some modeling stuff that I cancelled.  I didn't feel confidant to be me and you have to have quite a bit of confidence with modeling.  AJ kept calling me.  I didn't answer.  He finally left a message.  It sounded as if hadn't slept and had cried all night too.  He finally said "Becky, please call me back.  I am ready to tell you why."  I wondered if I should call or just leave it alone and never talk to him again.  I wondered what excuse he would give.  I wondered if I would believe him.  I wondered if I could ever trust him again.  The curiosity got the best of me.  I had to know.  I had to know it wasn't because he was embarrassed of me and my disability, even if I wouldn't believe him.  I called him back. He literally gave a big sigh of relief thru his voice that was still shaking.  He asked me to not hang up on him this time at all during what he had to say and to not interrupt him or he didn't know if he could get thru it  I promised.  This isn't word for word what he said but this is pretty close to what he said..."Becky, I wanted to go to my grave with this before you found out.. I am not who you think I am. I am still married.  Divorce papers hadn't even been filed. Yes, we are separated but all the divorce stories I told you are not true.  I was afraid you wouldn't date me if I was still married."  I thought.. "you are right.. I wouldn't of"  He then told me about how many times he had been married and how he had never been faithful to one wife.  He told me about how his daughter who he abandoned showed up at the firehouse and giving a story that he cat was stuck in a tree and he didn't even recognize her or was willing to help her.. telling her that fireman don't rescue cats like that anymore.  How she was with her half sister and the half sister yelled out.. "you stupid man.. you don't even recognize your daughter"  and they took off and he didn't even try to follow and apologize.  He said, how can I marry you when I am still married?  He said that is why he had told her the day after we got engaged that I was just a friend because he couldn't tell his wife that he was dating another woman and if he used my wheelchair as an excuse for him being hostessing me or being extra nice, that she would believe that more.  He then said " . I am not 5 years older than you as you thought.  More like 25 years older. I just look young"    I had been silent this whole time and I couldn't help myself.  I started to laugh.  He  said "what?"  I said laughing," You are my parent's age!"  He also couldn't help himself and started to half laugh and say "Great!.. I really am a cradle robber!"  He said "I am nothing but a lie. The only lie I haven't told you is that I love you and would of been honored if you were my wife."  He said I was the best that ever happened to him.  He then said..."where does that leave us?"  I said.. "no where.. you are married, not even truly divorcing.. no where.  It leaves you in New York and I in Utah and us going our separate ways."  He said "what if I get a divorce? She said she won't now divorce me because I told her last night I loved you and she doesn't want me but she doesn't want me to have you. But what if I insist."  I felt if he had gone thru this whole charade to hide me and could of filed papers before this time.. that he, too, must not really sure if he wanted to divorce her either.

I didn't know what to think.  He begged me to not give up on him yet.  I didn't know what to think.  I was a mistress so to speak.  Something I never would of been or done.  I had so many thoughts in my head.  On one hand.. "yes, my disability didn't get in the way of this one!"  The other emotion.. "he lied to me.  He lied big time!  Why am I not telling him off?  I told him I had to think about it.  Think about what?  To continue this charade?  Play this role that I would never consider?  I had truly fallen in love but with who?    I told him I had to think.  I had to pray about this? ( Pray about being a married man's girlfriend?  How weird is that?)  Think about the cons the pros.  The pros.. we laughed.  We laughed so hard.  We danced, we hugged, we kissed.  We dated.  His home was accessible.  He wasn't at all bothered with helping me with EVERYTHING my disability entailed.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the stinky.  If it didn't work in his home with my disability somehow.. he immediately made it work.  Not just bandaided it.. but fixed it so it worked.  Was I willing to give up that kind of love and attention that I had never had before... and didn't think I would or could ever have again?  He accepted me fully.  But he was married.  I fought in my head with my morals.. "well I didn't know he was married, so it isn't my fault and I am already too involved.  I fought with the thought.. if his home wasn't so accessible, and if I hadn't seen him do all the things that entailed with my disability, but just had a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would I be willing to still be a married man's girlfriend?  I was upset with myself that the automatic answer in my head was just to leave him that lying married con man!  Would anyone else accept my disability?  I mean truly embrace it like he did?  I hadn't had that before.. was this a once in a lifetime and I was letting it go because of morals?  I knew I loved him.. but who did I love?  Him or the idea of being truly accepted?

I searched my soul the next few days.  During this time, AJ been having alot of back problems.  Naturally I blamed it on me, him helping me get up and down, transferring.. He kept saying it wasn't me.  He had taken some time off of work because of his back.  I hadn't given him an answer to my still waiting for him to get divorced so we could be married or if I would still date him on the side.  He called me up with that low, sullen voice again.  "Becky, I can't marry you."  Here we go again!  What now?  What did I do?  Not answer him fast again?  He decide to go back to his wife?  He thought it out and I wasn't worth the fight?  What?  He said.."I went to the doctor and my back is bad.  I, too, will probably be paralyzed in a chair one day and I cannot take care of you the way you need to be taken care of with me going disabled too.   I said "What do you mean?  Take care of me?  (me being in denial that I couldn't do it all myself)."  I said "who do you think takes care of me during the day when I am here in Utah? Me!  I take care of my children, me, I drive, I work, take care of me?  What do you mean?"  He said, Becky, you know what I mean.  You still need help whether you want to admit it or not. You need someone that would and could do anything for you to give you as perfect of a life as possible.  To give you the best life. The life you deserve.. and I can't when my body is failing.  They have asked me to retire from my service of a fireman.  I can't serve you.  I can't serve others in my job.  I am becoming nothing.  I want to die"    He sounded like an empty shell. I tried to say I would wait.. didn't even think of the consequences.  I said "hey, being in a wheelchair isn't that bad!  I have experience in that!"  He then said " And my wife who has been wanting a divorce all sudden does not want a divorce.  She doesn't want to be with me but she doesn't want me to be with you and said she would never divorce me if it kept me away from you.  She said she will do everything to keep us apart."   I just wanted to hear his happy voice again.  I didn't want him to think there was nothing.  I wanted him to focus on how much I loved him.  He then said.. "being a fireman, I know how to do it.  I have seen suicide in many ways."  I said "why do you want to do this?"  He said, "if I can't truly have you, all of you , take care of you the way you deserve, then I have nothing.  And I can't live without you."  I said "what about your children?"  He said "they don't need me the ones I still have, they have their mother and her boyfriend.  And the ones I abandoned?  I am sure they would want me gone."  I begged, I said "do not do this to me!"

He called me the next morning saying he was on the way to have his will changed to leave me everything.  That if he couldn't take care of me physically then he would make sure it would be financially and financially he would leave me alot.  Over a million dollars.  I didn't want a million dollars.  I didn't want him to die.  I wanted this nightmare to be over and me wake up to dancing in his arms with me on the stool.  I said to him"don't you dare leave me anyting."  I felt like if I said otherwise it was me giving him permission to die.  I said I wouldn't take the money so no need to change his will.  I hung up on him so angry, confused and hurt.  I didn't know whether to believe him or not or if this was for sympathy?  I was in Utah.  I couldn't look at his eyes.  I couldn't leave Utah.  I had responsibilities here.  Children, job.  I didn't know what to do.  Put all that aside and hurry and fly to New York to find out that this was a game?  I hadn't dealt with suicide or have anyone I really knew die of suicide so I didn't know what to think.  I called his firemen friends, his best friend in particular.  I told him what was happening.  He told me.. that doesn't sound like AJ.. let me talk to him.  He then told me he thought maybe AJ was trying to get my attention because of all the confessing and me not knowing what to do as far as our relationship.  AJ's friend called me later on that day and said he had spoken to AJ.  That I had nothing to worry about and that AJ would be fine.  I felt relief and anger all at once because I couldn't believe AJ would put me thru this turmoil of the thought of him dying for sympathy... but relief that the man I love so much (and thinking about him dying reassured the love I had for him) was going to be alive.

The next morning I called hm.  No answer.  My heart started beating quicker wondering if he was okay especially with all the conversation of suicide.  I thought.. "don't panic".  He always always called me back within an hour if not sooner.  Two  hours went by and I didn't hear from him.  I called him and left him a message this time.  I was crying and screaming at him " Where are you?  Answer your damn phone!  Quit playing this game with me!"  Another half hour passed and he called me.  He was kind of snickering saying "hey calm down. I was out shoveling snow.  There is a ton of snow and it takes me extra long with my back!"  I burst into tears.  He said "I am sorry I put you thru this!  It's going to be okay!"

A couple days later and Valentine's Day was coming up soon.  He wanted me to come out there.  I couldn't get off of work and I had a kidney infection (I think due to all the stress of this whole thing.)  He couldn't come to me for he couldn't move his back had been giving him trouble from all the shoveling he had done previously.  Seemed like New York had just had so much wet, heavy snow that year.  He was sounding sad again.  Feeling sorry that he couldn't take care of here while I was having my kidney infection.  Feeling bad I wouldn't take time off of work saying he wanted to provide for me completely especially financially.   I wouldn't take his money or anything.. The scene of Pretty Woman kept bouncing in my head of the part where Richard Gere makes a proposition to Julia Roberts about a penthouse and all the money she wanted to be his private girlfriend.  I wanted true love.   I wanted complete love.  Not money.  Not material things.  I wanted to have true and complete love.  AJ kept going on how he should be taking care of me and how he was such a low of a man that he couldn't take care of me.  He wouldn't stop with this talking .. obsessing over this subject.  He promised me we would see each other soon and figure this out and said "I love you.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."  I felt that maybe we could figure this out somehow.

The next morning, Feb13th, I am driving to pick up my children from school.  I get a call.  It is AJ's young daughter.  She had gotten home from school and she can't find her father and wondered if I had talked to him.  I told her that I had not.  She started to cry and said "I don't know where he is.  He isn't answering his phone."  I had pulled into the school parking lot.  My heart started beating hard.  I started to panic but I couldn't show his daughter I was panicking in my voice.  I said "Look in his bathroom and see if he is there."  She went into his bathroom and said he wasn't there.  I said "Look in his closet."  (AJ had gone into this nesting mode saying he was making room for me to move there and getting rid of some of his clothes for me to move my clothes and things in.)  She said "Becky, he isn't there."  I knew he had done it.  I knew with every fiber of my being.  I knew of where he could possibly be for he had told me the different ways he had considered killing himself.  I did not want her to find her father like that.  I told her.. "I need you to go to your neighbor.  I need you to tell your neighbor to call me.  It is very important for her to call me.  I need you to go right now and stay there and have your neighbor call me."  Her neighbor called me and I told her what AJ had been contemplating.  I told her the different places he could be found.  I told her to please call me back as soon as she found him.

My children were coming out of the school.  I was still in my van.  The kids got in the car and asked what was wrong.  I couldn't tell them anything yet.. and I couldn't drive.  I had to sit and wait for surely it wouldn't take too long for the neighbor to call me.  My children, still knowing something was wrong but not know what was wrong, I asked them to just be patient and I would explain in a bit.  They were getting antsy and so was I.  I called AJ's house and a man answered.  He had a deep voice like AJ and I wasn't sure if it was AJ but just sounding tired or different.  I said "AJ, it's you.  You are okay!"..The man said.. "Ma'am, this is Officer so and  so.  (I literally can't remember his name).  I said "Where's AJ?"  He said "Are you a relative?  Are you family?"  I said "no."  He said "I can't tell you Ma'am."  I burst into tears and I said "I am his fiancee.  Does that mean anything?"  He then said "Your fiance is deceased."  Just as matter of fact.  I screamed" Revive him, don't sit and talk to me.  Help him, revive him!"  I started shaking, the kids started crying.  My son put his arms around me.  We were all sobbing.  The officer said he had been dead for quite a few hours.  I called his fireman friend and said he did it.  His friend asked what did he do?  UI said "he is gone!"  His friend could only say "Oh God!"

I couldn't stop shaking. A teacher noticed that something wasn't right and came to me and asked if she could help.  I was able to mutter that my fiance is dead.  She said.."let me drive you home"  She made arrangements for someone to follow us so she would have a ride back.  She got ahold of the children's father so he could pick up the kids.  I was numb.  I called work and said I needed a reserve seat for New York as soon as possible.  I had to make arrangements for the dogs.  My son said he would ask dad to take the dogs.  AJ's wife called me and asked for what I thought had happened.  As if she was in total shock that AJ was depressed.  I couldn't really say.  I asked her I could stay at AJ's home for one last time.  I just wanted to smell him.  Feel him.  I wanted to see the barstool that we danced and held each other.  I wanted to put on his jammies and feel him embrace me.  She said "yes."  I was grateful. 

A few hours later she called me again and said she had changed her mind.  That I wasn't to go near his home.  In fact, I wasn't to come to the funeral.  That they had gotten back together and I was the reason he killed himself because he didn't dare tell a cripple he didn't want her.  That he was too much of a gentleman to do that.  I called his best friend and asked if I could stay with him.  He said yes.  i flew out that evening.  He picked me up at the airport.  He hugged me and said he was sorry.  I couldn't say anything still.  I could only cry on his shoulder.  He took me to his home.  He called AJ's wife and asked about the funeral plans.  She did not know I was at this friend's home.  I could hear her talking.  She said she wanted to have the funeral as soon as possible so I couldn't be there.  She literally was worrying if I was going to be there.  AJ's friend told her I was already there, staying with him and I would be at the funeral.  I remember her saying "over my dead body" and AJ's friend saying "no, over AJ's dead body."  He then asked her again when the funeral would be.  She said "when does that girl have to be home?"  I had made arrangements with my work to only be there a couple days.  Thinking that would be enough time.  The friend said.."in a couple days".   She said.. "we will have the funeral next week then."  I said.. outloud so she could hear me.."I am not going home until I attend the funeral and see AJ again so when is the funeral."  She hung up the phone without saying a date.

AJ's friend called the other firemen friends and told her how AJ's wife was being.  AJ, like I said, had told all his friends about me.  Had me go their parities, they all knew that AJ loved me.  They all knew AJ had asked me to marry him and I was wearing his ring.  A few of the firemen friends called AJ's wife and said  " we will not have a firemen funeral (they do it fancy) and we will not be there if Becky cannot be there.  Becky was the love of his life and everyone of us firemen will not be there if she is not there."  I once again felt gratitude. AJ's best friend, that I was staying with, was assigned to get AJ ready in his finest fireman uniform.  I was grateful for he gave me the opportunity to write a note to AJ and a picture and put it in the lining of uniform where no one would see it.

I kept thinking.. I have to find some good in this somehow. I have to be useful.  What can I do?  My thoughts suddenly turned to  his two daughters that he had abandoned.  I am not computer saavy at all.  Not at all.  But I prayed hard that I would find them and somehow let them know their father had died.  I wanted them to know that their father really did love them.  I wanted to share with them his thoughts and memories he had of them that he had shared with me.  It was as if AJ was guiding me and I found them.  Luckily, Aj had been best friends  for so long with the fireman I was staying with that these two daughters knew of of AJ's friend and was willing to listen without hanging up.  They had a lot of hurt and  anger (which I don't blame them from the stories AJ had told me). The thought came " I had buddy passes and I could get them out here for the funeral so they could see their father.  Let me tell them of his love, let them say goodbye, let the wounds start to heal."  The oldest daughter said she had moved on with her life and did not want to rehash things.  I didn't blame her.  She let me say that he was sorry and he was saying it thru me.  She thanked me for that but said she couldn't do it.  The second daughter wanted to hear more.  She was the daughter who had gone to his work and said her cat needed to be rescued from the tree and her father didn't even recognize her.  She wanted to see him again.  I made arrangements with my work to have her fly to New York.  She was living now in California. Her mother was still in New York, which was nice because it gave her mother a chance to maybe start healing too.  His daughter came to where I was staying and we hugged.  I told her of AJ's regrets, his love, his memories.  We both cried.  I told her how sorry he was for abandoning her.  That he didn't expect her to ever forgive him but he was sorry.

There was viewing that night.  I wasn't allowed to attend.  I could of pushed it but I knew his family was hurting just as much as I was and wanted to give them some time with him without his girlfriend being right there during their mourning.  I did, though, need to see him, see if this was real and say my own goodbyes.  His best friend that I was staying with had to go to the funeral home earlier to drop off the uniform for AJ to be buried in.  He talked to the funeral director and told him the story of AJ and me.  How I didn't know he was married and how I was engaged to him, his wife's anger and requests, and how I needed to say goodbye. The director was so understanding.  He told the best to tell me that he would keep the funeral home open longer after the public viewing hours, after everyone had left and let me come in and say my goodbye. Aj's friend went to the formal public viewing, and came back and said it was almost over and to get ready for my turn to go.  We waited until everyone had left.  All but the director, his best friend the fireman, and his highs chool best friend.  They pushed me over to AJ.  I touched AJ's hand.  It was the first time touching a dead body for I had always been afraid to do so before.  I touched his forehead.  I leaned over and kissed his forehead, his eyes, and then his lips.  I whispered in his ear.. "why?"  I looked at the pictures that were set up for the funeral.  All the memories he had that I didn't even know about.  I looked his smiles in the pictures.  In some way I felt like I didn't even know this other man.  As if he really did live a double life.  All I knew that this man did love me and I did love him.  More than I had ever loved a man ever before.

I went to the funeral the next day.  It was held in a Catholic church.   He was very formal.  They did the fireman drills that they do. I sat next to his daughter that I had found and her half sister.  I couldn't sit by the best friend for he needed to be with the rest of the fireman doing their procession.  Their ritual they do for firemen that have died.  The funeral was over.  They had a luncheon but I didn't attend that.. again for the same reasons I didn't attend the public viewing.  I wanted them to mourn in private.  Word had gotten that I wasn't going to fly home until after the burial.  It was scheduled after the luncheon.  I waited at the fireman friend's home while he attended the luncheon and then we would go to the burial.  he came back and there were tears in his eyes.  He knew how important it was for me to attend the burial.  To see the coffin go into the ground.  I don't know why it was important but it was.  I looked at him and he said "his wife didn't want you at that burial so much that she had him buried alone while we were all eating so you wouldn't know."    I couldn't even cry.  I just stared into space.  I felt empty.  I felt alone. He drove me back to the airport. He gave me a very long hug goodbye. I got on the plane.  Again, just staring into space.   There would be no more phone calls.  No more dances.  No more I love you's.  No more laughter.  I left in darkness.  And came home in the middle of the night in darkness.

I set my luggage down and laid on the bed.  I still had my coat on.  I closed my eyes and tried to wrap my arms around myself as if he were holding me.  All the sudden I could smell him.  I could smell  his scent.  I thought "AJ, are you here? I feel you,l I smell your cologne.  Where are you?  Hold me!"  I smelled him the whole night.  It was comforting.  The next day his friend called me to see if I was okay.  I thanked him for taking caring of me why I was there and allowing me to stay at his home.  I then mentioned that I actually felt comforted for I could feel AJ all night.  I could smell him.  He said.. "I have a confession.  I put on AJ's cologne and gave you a big hug in hopes that it would transfer onto your clothing."  I guess AJ wasn't there but it was comforting to smell him.  To pretend he was there.

This last part happened the night I found out he died.  But I leave it to the end so you can read what he wrote me.  The night he had died, I got on the computer to make arrangements for all I had to do.  I saw that there was an email from AJ.  I don't know why I hadn't seen it earlier.  I don't know if he arranged it that way.. for if I had seen it earlier maybe I would have been able to stop his death.  This is what his goodbye note said:

I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, yet I do see more than my share of airports.

I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But they are also the same reason why I hate airports. It all comes down to "hello" and "goodbye. "I must have mentioned this a few times while writing my stories for you.

I have great difficulties with saying goodbye. Even as I write this I am experiencing that pounding sensation in my heart. If I am watching such a scene in a movie I am affected so much that I need to sit up and take a few deep breaths. So when faced with a challenge in my life I have been known to go to our local airport and watch people say goodbye. I figure nothing that is happening to me at the time could be as bad as having to say goodbye.

Watching people cling to each other, crying, and holding each other in that last embrace makes me appreciate what I have even more. Seeing them finally pull apart, extending their arms until the tips of their fingers are the last to let go, is an image that stays forefront in my mind throughout the day.

On one of my recent business trips, when I arrived at the counter to check in, the woman said, "How are you today?" I replied, "I am missing my girlfriend already and I haven't even said goodbye."

She then looked at my ticket and began to ask, "How long will you...Oh, my God. You will only be gone three days!" We all laughed. My problem was I still had to say goodbye.

But I learn from goodbye moments, too.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together.

They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said,

"Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me.

Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying goodbye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

He then began to sob and walked away.

My dearest Becky, Please forgive me.  I wish for you.  I love you.  You are the best thing that ever happened to me.  Love, AJ

I was told he died with my picture in his  hand and a journal he kept of his love for me.  I was told that his wife who had originally told me I could stay his home and then declined.. declined for this reason.  That she had been telling people they were getting back together and I was keeping them apart. When they got his journal they were able to see that his heart did belong to me and he died loving me.  Happy Birthday AJ.

I can be a positive person.. and for a bit I feel if you are reading this you will think I am focusing on the negative.  (or having a pity party.. which maybe I am).. But I feel I need to work out all the negative feelings and confusion I have to find that dim light of positive so it can shine bright.  The negatives are really my internal wars.  Fair not fair.  Right, wrong.  What is asking too much?  What is standing up for yourself?  What things would I allow happen if I was disabled if I wasn't?

One of the biggest internal wars for me that I am not sure I will ever get over is the death of my younger sister Betsy Ann.  A little background of my sister and my relationship.  Betsy Ann was a year younger than me.  Blonde, great figure, outgoing, musical, and of course every guy wanted to date her.  EVERY GUY!  I was her shadow or it so felt.  She always seemed so more mature than I. She didn't have to work on her looks  or even outlook of life.  Even as weird as this sounds, the teachers had a crush on her.  She had great grades, starring role in the musical, and later a beautiful family, PTA president, strong in our church faith, and just seemed to have the world turning.  I think she could actually talk more than me but it wasn't weird nervous talking like me.  It was magnet talking.  Everyone wanted to hear.

I am not sure what kind of relationship my sister and I had.  There was a lot of emotions  that came with it.  Proud, upset, jealous, mother-daughter so to speak.. her being the mother, caregiver, nurturer.

Betsy Ann, as I said, dated everybody.. well everyone in my high school  class and hers.  In fact, she knew so many more people that I did that she was more wanted at my high school reunions than I.  Well, I am sure they wanted me there too but it was no surprise of Betsy Ann showing up.  I just wanted one thing that she couldn't do or have.  I don't know why the jealousy consumed me.  Maybe I felt it was a preview of my future life.. I really don't know.  As much as I was upset with her for I guess the sake of being upset.. she was the one sister I always turned to.  She had a way of fixing things with my children's father, a way of helping me understand when I was just so angry at everything.. even when it was her.  She was also so forgiving.  I  could yell at her and call her up ten minutes later and tell her I needed her assistance and she be right there.  She wasn't perfect.  She would tell me my shortcomings all the time.  She wouldn't let me off the hook for my faults or my misgivings.  She would tell me off many times.  Probably moreso than anyone in my family.  I don't know if that made things better or worse but I think it made me respect her more.

Quite a few years ago, I had an experience that helped me understand Betsy Ann more and why she and I had the relationship we did.  We still fought (or I fought and she was the mother telling me what needed to be done or fixed things) but deep down she understood my heart, my sadness, my strengths, my weakness.  As I said, she came and took care of me when I had surgeries, even took me to have surgery at times.  She helped me shower when needed and brought dinners when I was too sick to make any food.  She even brought dinners just for the sake of because.

Betsy Ann got sick in October of 2010.  It was around my birthday which was Oct 23.  She had headaches and when she came to lunch for my birthday she had been throwing up and I thought she had the flu.  My sister was already thin and she didn't look right.  She looked thin and just sick.  She went to the doctors for these headaches and found out she had two tumors in her brain.  The doctors thought at first they looked benign from the MRI so she kept reassuring us it would be fine.    The time came for her to have her surgery.  I wondered who would all be there.  I found out it was just going to be her husband and daughter.  I never really knew what her husband thought of me because he saw how much internal jealousy I had of my sister and the different fighting we would do.  I knew it was something (and maybe I am guessing) that it was something my brother in law probably wanted to share with his daughter solely or within himself but looking back now.. I needed to be there.  It may of been selfish but I just needed to be there.

We waited for the doctors and by this time my brother in law's parents had shown up and were waiting with us.  The doctor came out and I could just feel the heaviness in his heart.  I could feel that lump in my throat and my eyes starting to burn as the tears were behind my eyes.  He gave this explanation of the surgery.  He said every word but cancer.  Was I mistaking the heaviness.. was this just something that could be fixed but still not quite expected.  I needed to hear the word "cancer" to have it wrapped around my brain of what he was saying.  Finally I just blurted out.. "are you saying cancer?"  There was just a second of silence.. as if we all needed to hear that word but no one dared to say it outloud or ask.    He said "yes, cancer."  As I write this, I still have that lump in my throat, and the heaviness in my chest and tears burning my eyes.  Cancer.  The next day I go to see her and she is being everyone else's cheering group or support.  Saying it will be okay.  The doctor comes in and they have the results  of the kind of cancer.  Glioblastoma.  Non curable and fast growing cancer.  Cancer.  Terminal cancer.  How can that be?  I have had over 60 surgeries and told I was going die so many times and have bounced out of it and here my sister who has been the one who is the healthiest in the family all the sudden dying of brain cancer.  Cancer.  This has got to be a mistake.  Why was I on this earth with all that was happening with me if my sister had to have cancer?  This made no sense to me.  I felt so out of control. and here she was smiling saying it was okay.  That Heavenly Father had another chapter for her.  For eight months my sister endured cancer.  She had radiation, chemotherapy, she even had more tumors which they could not take out.  She never complained.  Not once that I heard.  I saw a couple tears from her eyes but I think she was crying because I was in so much emotional pain.

During this course of eight months, I had to have surgery.  The night before the surgery I cried and prayed so hard.  I said "God, please take me tomorrow on that operating table for I was suppose to go along time ago and save my sister.  She is needed way more than I am.  She has a husband that loves her more than any great love story, five children who are close to her, more friends than can be counted.  Save her and take me.  The morning of my surgery, as I was waiting for them to come and get me in my hospital room, I was still saying a prayer "please take me and save her.  have her next mri show cancer free.  please God..I beg of thee."  I kept saying that over and over.   The nurse person comes to get me and starts wheeling me down to surgery.  The anesthesia doctor starts getting me ready to be put to sleep and I think of my children, my husband.  I say "wait.  stop!  not yet."  I think " I can't leave my kids I cant leave them.  What do I do?  Do I not love my sister enough to take her place?  Is this even how it works?  Wait?  Do I have a place here?  Am I loved?  Is there more I am suppose to be learning?  Is God wanting my sister?  Wait!  What do I do?  (as if it was really into my hands).  I say a quick prayer... more like  a chant. "God, I can't do it.  Please don't take me.  I don't want her to die, but please don't take me. "  

I wake up from surgery almost surprised to still be alive.  My first thought "how selfish am I that I wasn't willing to die for my sister"  It made me question who I was.  Does that mean I don't know love?  Does that mean I wouldn't die for my husband, my kids if needed? I would like to think I would.  But I changed my mind at the last minute about my sister.  What was wrong with me?  She had more need here on this earth.

I had the hardest time facing her after this and was actually grateful that I wasn't able to get out much because I was recuperating.  I had so much guilt.  So much heartache.  So much shame and question of who I was and capable of.  Did I even know what love was?  After all she did for me, I owed it to her to take her place and I chickened out.  I am worthless. We all are suppose to become Christlike and have Christlike qualities and Christ died on the cross for us.. but I didn't have the courage to take my sister's place.

I know it probably doesn't work that way but just the thought if it did.. and I failed.  She had never murmured, never complained about what was happening to her (as I complain all the time about my ailments) Months before, when she was more coherent I asked her.. Betsy, if you have any way to come see me, please promise me you will.. and when my time to die comes, please come and get me so I will not be afraid.  She smiled and said she would. I even told her that I thought of a positive about her dying.. That she no longer could invade my high school reunions and I could have it for myself.  She smiled and even giggled a little.   I saw my sister the night or two before she died.  She looked so frail but then so strong.. but it was her spirit that was strong.. her soul still shined.  I leaned over to her and took her hand.  I whispered in her ear.  I am sorry I didn't take your place.  I am sorry I failed you.  I do love you in spite that I could not do this.  Please keep your promise to come to me still.  I felt her hand squeeze mine. Maybe I wanted to feel it but I felt it.  As if she understood my broken heart.

Her death was sad and beautiful all at once.She had so many people there that loved her, respected her and paid tribute to her and her life.  Her example. President Holland spoke and said "tears are the price we pay for loving."  I thought .." I have had so many tears.. I must have love."

I don't know if I should say this next thought for I don't want anyone to be upset with my father for he is a good man.  My father has done so much for me.. more than I probably deserve.. We all grieve in our own way.  As I stated, I should of died many times.  In fact, if I died.. it would not be shock.  Of course people would be sad (well at least I would hope) my ex happy.  It would not be a surprise.  I think in some ways it would be relief for I have been a burden, I am not saying an unwanted burden, but I think it has been hard on my family to see me suffer so much physically and emotionally.  A few days after my sister's death, my father was down helping me as he does many times during the week.  We were talking about Betsy and I said I had so much guilt and I didn't know how to get over it.  He said "I know you do.. you put so much pressure on her to help you and put so much emotional pressure to help you with your ex and daughter that it probably stressed her out to the point of cancer."  That was the furthest reason on my mind.  Was my father saying I was responsible for my sister's death?  Is that how he really felt deep inside.  My father always talked about how he felt stress killed my grandma.  She died of stomach/pancreatic cancer.  It started with an ulcer and he swears she died because of this ulcer turning into cancer.  Was he saying it was the same way for my sister?  I said "no, that isn't why.  I said because I took away my prayer to have it be me."  I couldn't even fully explain my prayer.  Instead of just crying, I seem to go into this monster anger rage when really it is my heart just crying.  I shouted out.. "it should of been me!  You wanted it to be me!"  He said, "I don't want any of my children to die but it would of been easier (or something like that) if it had been you."  (again, please don't think harshly of my father.. he sometimes doesn't say what is truly in his heart the right way.. he is a really good man and I am eternally indebted and grateful for him).  My heart broke as if it couldn't break anymore right then.  It should of been me.  My sweet niece, Betsy's daughter helped me understand my father.. saying.. it wouldn't of been easier if it had been me. When someone is as sick as I am, they don't like watching me suffer is maybe what he meant.. but she said it shouldn't of been me.

My sister's death changed me.  To watch her serve her family, her friends, and then in time of her health and need.. to see them serve her and love her so much to want the complete best for her.   I watched her husband change his schedule for her, take her to the doctors, get her dressed, change her when needed, wake up every 2 hours to roll her so she wouldn't get sores..to make sure she was living as best as she possibly could while she was still here... and he never said no, why me, never complained. He knew she would do this for him if the roles had been reversed.  A love stronger than any greatest love story.  It made me wonder what I would do for love.  What kind of love do I deserve?  Especially in my time of need?  I think my hopes and expectations increased.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad...this is an internal war and...should it have been me?

I miss you Betsy Ann and I love you.

Betsy Ann Christensem Mar 1968-June 2011

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Finding Me Jan 13, 2012 Log I

I contemplated whether to write this on a "note" or even on facebook.  I tried to look into doing a blog.. not just for emotional therapy but in hopes to help understand or others (especially the friends I have on here with the same birth defect as me.. Spina Bifida).  I don't want to offend anyone and this isn't to tear anyone apart or down.  It is really me trying to figure out where I belong and finding me.  It will probably not make sense.. not be in the right order, and jump from one thought or  another.. but I feel like I can't seem to figure it out in my brain so maybe if I write it out, I will understand, or maybe my family will understand, my children?  How are they suppose to know what is wrong with me even if I don't know what is wrong.  I do know that I have had a lump in my throat and tears close to my eyes for the last year (if not longer) and it is something I just want to understand.It seems I never fitted in but then fitted in everywhere.  Not sure what that exactly means or how to explain.  I had/have many friends and family.  Could find something in common with pretty much everyone.  But I never felt truly comfortable with that setting.  Maybe I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin?  I have thought about writing my life story.  There is so much I have blocked out and to be honest, it scares me to try to remember things good or bad if they are blocked out.  What more would I have to deal with emotionally.  I have always been the person if you said I couldn't do it. .then I was determined to.

  People or school teachers would ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?"  My response would be "a mom".  I remember I would see a look in their eyes and it was different than the looks they gave to other children as if my answer was wrong.  I started responding later a secretary, a singer, actor.. anything but the answer mom.  It put so much of a fear in me when I saw people's eyes when I said that mom answer that I didn't want to feel that fear, but the desire never went away.  My whole life I have been boy crazy.  I think it comes from that desire to want to be a mom.  It was if I had a boyfriend then my goal of a mom was reachable.  I got so consumed with the thought that one day I could be a mother that school wasn't important. I had to try to look fancy as much as I can.  I knew my body was ugly.  I could never be this small petite girl having to have big biceps to walk on crutches and braces.  I seemed to have had the skill of hair and makeup.  (at least I thought I did).  I was never shy.. but as I think about it. .I am very shy and insecure and so that is why I talk so much.  I have started to realize that the more I talk it is really the more I am being shy.

I got good at reading people's eyes.  If I stated what I felt was in the people's eyes or tones.. many times people would say.. "no, you are reading it wrong."  But I have found out in my 46 years that I could tell what people think about me.  If they were nervous around me or found me weird, different, inspirational and it seemed the more I felt this the more insecure I became and the more I talked.  So I am known as a talker.  In many ways it has come to be handy to explain to the doctors well what is hurting or symptoms but I do realize it does make me overbearing and weird.   But back to the goal.    Finding that one to help my goal.. I felt as I said, I had to look a certain way.. make my hair and face look as good as I can that no one would notice the out of portion, frumpy, always looking overweight even if not, crooked body.  Due to my leg braces, I would always have holes in my pants.  that made me feel so insecure.  I had to wear different kinds of shoes or larger than my feet shoes to fit over my braces.  But I could work and accentuate my blue eyes or my dark hair.  I was lucky to never have acne.. and pretty soft skin.  Maybe it could get me attention.  Not attention to be popular.  Attention to be accepted in hopes that one day someone would love me to reach my goal to be a mom.  Looking back, I wish I had studied more, wished I hadn't been so boy crazy,   My parents, they did their best.  I truly believe that.

Even though I knew something was wrong with my goal in people's eyes (such as school teachers when asked what I wanted to be).. when I got to the closer age of dating.. my parents did let me know I probably wouldn't date.  I don't remember how they said it or when. I don't remember them actually sitting me down and stating it.  I just knew they had let me known.  They didn't do it to be mean.  It was to protect me so when I didn't date, I wouldn't be let down.  It made me more determined to date.. for I had to reach my dream goal of being a mother.  I did have a boyfriend all three years in high school.. we had pretty much a normal relationship that 16 year olds have of dating, breaking up, getting back together, breaking up etc.. but I have found me from the time I had a boyfriend to even now to be the runner.  To run, cry, scream, when things went wrong.  People may say it is because I need drama... and I have actually pondered that and talked with counselors about that.  That isn't the reason.  The reason is I get so mad and frustrated when things can't go my way.  Now that may sound selfish but please keep reading and hear me out.  It is more about me not being able to do things because of my disability.  I guess I am not good at making lemonade out of lemons

.  I am truly not trying to be selfish and would give my last dime to someone else if needed... it is a frustration  on what I have to give up on because of my disability or what do I have to take because of my disability.  Example:  high school.. when we had school dances.. they would put sawdust down on the floors so that the floors wouldn't get ruined.. (I guess).  I knew I couldn't dance well.  I have seen videos, and frankly it looks funny.  I would see people dance around do the thumbs up or again that look as if I wasn't doing something normal and I was going out of the element because of my disability.  My thoughts would be first of embarrassment as if why am I getting this kind of attention when I am just going out on the floor and try to move as best as I could  as everyone else is.  I didn't see anyone else getting the thumbs up.. Was I being courageous for going on the dance floor?  What was my boyfriend thinking as he was getting the thumbs up too.. he was brave to go on the dance floor with me?  So we would go on the dance floor and I would try to dance/move and boom I would fall.  The rubber on my crutches slipped on the floor.  The area I was at, everyone would stop dancing to help me up.  I would just continue to fall because I couldn't get a steady grip because of the sawdust everywhere.  We had gone to the principal or janitors and asked for them to sweep the floor so I could have a normal dance like everyone else.  They swept a small place in the corner where it was dark, loud (by the speaker) and away from everyone.  In the dating and relationship world, this is where I think I started to get lost.  30 years ago.. Lost because of wondering what was acceptable of me to demand/ask and what I needed to realize I just couldn't do.  Was this the beginning of discrimination or just a simple reality.  I also realized that my soul and body have had an ongoing war for all these years because my soul can do anything but my body just won't keep up.  So in my mind, everything my mind wants to do and what I could do even with help should be done because my mind wants it.

 Not sure if that is right but I guess that has been my personal war.  Each dance after, there was a spot, in the dark, by the loud speaker basically with my name on it.  No one to dance by us.. Us in the corner. The janitors didn't want people to really dance by us because they wanted the other people to stay on the sawdust to protect the floors.  I remember from that point forward that I just really couldn't enjoy myself being so embarrassed instead of being grateful that they at least made me a spot where I didn't fall.  I was dancing.  That was the point.  But in my soul I felt still left out.  All I could concentrate on.. who cares about the floor?  What about my feelings?  I think deep down I was worried it was going to affect my boyfriend and he would get tired of it and the fear of losing him.. and the fear of losing my goal one day.  There would be group song dances.. where you would dance in a circle or even exchange partners at times.  It was done a lot even if on a date.  Just the thing that was done.  I would once again have this internal war within me.. be the good person and encourage him to do so but it would go deeper.. Those thoughts would go with tearing me down.. at least he came with me so I should just be grateful at that and it is okay if he goes off as everyone does and do the group dances.  He would come back from the songs.. and my whole demeanor changed.  I had this personal war within me because I didn't want to hold him back but was angry I was being held back.. angry that he didn't stay back with me.  Angry that they were worried about their floor and not as worried about making me feel self conscious.  Just angry. Or was it sad?  I don't know. My boyfriend, at that time, is a wonderful person.  I am so grateful he chose me to be his girlfriend at that time. The obsession of what was fair what wasn't fair.. what did I have to put up with being different, was it right to ask for special allowances, did I need to demand it to make them listen, should I be just grateful and accept anything because I at least got something?  The internal war began.